No more mistakes
by Sara Sidle Grissom
Summary: Warning: This is NOT a character death. At first he hadn't understood why she had wanted to be buried here, she didn't live here anymore. But during the funeral he had found out, she had still a lot of friends out here... GSR Complete
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them, they're still CBS's property.  
Spoilers: Lady Heather's box  
Warning: This is not a character death...**_

A/N: Thanks to **Grissoms Butterfly** **1013 **for beta-ing this. And thanks to **inlya, geeklovefreak, Sidle Chick, Lynn Fox **and ofcourse everybody I forgot to mention.

This chapter is dedicated to **Sidle Chick** for sticking with me and helping me through. And this one is for **Cybrokat** too. I'm with you!_**

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**Chapter 1: No second chance.**

He was standing in the shadow of an old oak tree. A warm breeze was playing with the short strands of his hair. It was hot outside, even for this time of the year, but he didn't seem to notice. His black suit was as good as new and it looked as if he had just walked out of an important meeting. But the truth was that he had just been to a funeral.

The ceremony had been short and there hadn't been a lot of people. The speeches were long though, memorizing everything from her. He almost couldn't bring himself to do his own speech, his throat was tight and his eyes were burning. But he knew that he had to say something, otherwise he would regret it for the rest of his life. After all the speeches, he had been the first to throw a shovelful of sand on top of the coffin.

_This is it... Now she's gone, really gone. I am going to miss her very much... I never told her in those words, but I really need her.

* * *

After the ceremony and all the people had left, he had been the only one who stayed. He wasn't ready to go yet, to leave her behind. He was now watching how the undertakers were placing the new tombstone upon the grave. The stone was big and heavy and he could see the sweat starting to form on the foreheads of the men. He felt his own sweat running down his neck and into his collar. It was even warmer here in California than it had been back in Las Vegas._

At first he hadn't understood why she had wanted to be buried here, she didn't live here anymore. But during the funeral he had found out, she had still a lot of friends out here, all of them were shocked by her death. He didn't know everyone, but talking to them was a relief. He heard new things about her, heard old memories and shared his own stories. Her friends had looked at him with sympathy and said things like 'I understand what you're going through...' and 'I know how you feel...' He hated that. How could they possibly know how he felt, he hadn't told them and he hadn't showed emotion either.

But now he was alone again and the undertakers already left the grave. He finally found the courage to move his feet and walk towards the white stone. When he stood in front of the grave he noticed how beautiful it looked in the bright light of the afternoon sun. The stone was very white, it looked almost angelic. He kneeled down and placed a white rose on the grass in front of the tombstone. He had carried the rose with him during the funeral, clutched in his left fist.

The woman in the flower shop had advised him to buy a bunch of roses, but he didn't want that. He didn't want the gesture to be exaggerated. A bunch of roses would have been too much, that just didn't fit with her image. No... he would give one flower; one that was elegant, beautiful and special. She had liked roses. No, she had liked a rose.

_I want this to be perfect, the grave has to be beautiful... just like her. And I'm going to make sure that it stays fine._ When he stood up again, he swallowed hard. His eyes began to burn again and he blinked to stop it.

He looked at the stone, it was elegant, just like her. He was going to miss her so much, seeing her name on that stone weighed heavy on his heart. It was so neatly engraved, as if it were done by the hands of an angel. Underneath her name was her date and place of birth and next to it was the date and place of death. She had died on his birthday, August 17. She had come to visit him when she started to look pale, he had taken her to Desert Palm Hospital, where she had died. He could only look through the window and silently watch how the doctors were trying CPR. It had all been in vain, somebody above was playing with them, like puppets.

_Why? Why did it have to be her? There must be somebody up there, punishing me, by punishing her...

* * *

The ride back to his house had been slow, it seemed as if every traffic light in Las Vegas had decided to stay red that day. It had been hard to set his mind away from the dramatic event in the hospital and focus on a safe ride to his home. When he got there, he turned off the engine, opened the door and got out. He slowly walked up the steps to his townhouse, remembering how she had done the same when she came to him. In his mind he saw her walking there again, her hair pinned up. She had smiled to him when he had opened the door for her and held her own set of keys in the air. He remembered he had pulled her in an embrace, one he wished that could have lasted forever. They walked into the house together and he had made some coffee for her._

That day had been pleasant, up to the moment where she started to feel sick. Her head had hurt and she was looking pale. He was afraid and had brought her to the hospital as soon as he could.

* * *

Now he was standing there, for what seemed like hours, in front of her grave. Remembering his birthday... remembering her. The days after her death he had spent alone, sometimes with visitors. Catherine came by, pulling him into a tight embrace when he had started to cry again. The guys had come, saying nice words while trying to comfort him. Even Greg had visited, and although he would have never admitted it to himself, he was glad he had.

He turned around and walked away from the grave. He looked over his shoulder once more and said: "I love you." He had a plane to catch. He looked up and saw her standing by the gates, with a look of sympathy on her face. When he stood in front of her she hugged him and led him to the cab. The whole ride was spent in silence, every now and then she looked to the side and caught him, fumbling with his wedding ring.

"Gil?"

He barely answered, he only gave a sign that he had heard her. Slowly he looked at her, tearstains on his cheeks. His eyes were clouded with emotion, emotion that had broken through his barriers. She had never seen him so full of pain and regret, it was shocking.

"I know these things aren't easy, losing someone who meant a lot to you. Just so you know that if you ever need to talk... I'm here for whatever you need."

He looked out of the window, he saw his reflection and caught her look of concern. "Thanks Cath... but I don't think I need it, I... I just need Sara," He said, looking down at his ring.

She nodded and decided she shouldn't say more, he needed his time alone. He needed to accept her death, and try to return to his normal routine, which consisted mostly of working. She knew it would take him a long time...

* * *

The funeral had brought a lot of emotion to the surface; she had found it hard to be there for him. Every move and every word from the funeral had reminded her of Eddie's death. It wasn't the same, and she knew she couldn't compare her relationship with Eddie to this... Eddie had cheated, and they were divorced. But they had a child together, and she still thought a lot about him, still missed him.

When they had reached the airport they got out of the cab and entered the departure hall. There they had to wait about an hour for their plane. She had bought him some coffee from a small shop and then bought herself a cup of tea. After only a couple of minutes of waling around they were now sitting together on one of the many benches in the airport. He looked tired, as if he had aged 10 years in a week. She placed her hand on his leg and squeezed softly, assuring him that she was here. He didn't even look up and she wondered if he even knew where they were.

When their plane was ready for take off, they walked together towards the gate. He was carrying his bag and she was carrying her own. They only had stayed in California for two days, but they had a lot of baggage.

After the funeral, Catherine had gone back to the hotel to change into more comfortable clothes. During the ceremony she had worn a long dark red dress with black high heeled sandals, almost as if she was going to a fancy party. She changed into a pair of dark jeans and blue blouse. She put her hair back in a pony tail and went back to the cemetery. There she waited until he was finished.

* * *

They didn't have seats next to each other, because Catherine had bought her plane ticket later then he had. She showed up somewhat later, to his surprise. She knew he wasn't glad to see her there, he had wanted to do this alone, but she had gone, because she knew he needed somebody. He would never admit it to himself, but he was vulnerable, he had been since the moment she died.

Grissom had a seat next to the window, Catherine had a seat on the other side of the corridor. She was sitting next to a woman who was busily typing on a laptop, the sound of which annoyed her. After a few minutes Catherine tried to read her book, but it was useless. She looked to the side and saw Grissom staring out of the window, turning his wedding ring again. He caught her looking and she looked down again.

Grissom let out a deep sigh when he turned his head to the window again, it was already getting dark outside so he could see the contours of his own face reflecting in the window. He took off his wedding ring and turned it over, looking at the message inside. "_To my love Gil. Yours Sara." _At this he smiled a little, just a weak smile.

"You miss your wife, right?"

The comment from the man next to him caught him totally off guard. He eyed the man with surprise and slowly nodded. He put his wedding ring on again and looked at the man, who started to talk to him.

"First days are the worst. You feel... lifeless, as if your soul died. My wife died three years ago, still miss her every day." He snorted. "She was my boss, we didn't start dating till I got promoted, we felt it was safer. We've worked together for years, flirting with each other, but afraid to do more. Our coworkers hated the tension between us and set us up with a romantic dinner..."

The man laughed at the memory of this and Grissom thought about Sara, how their first dinner had been. It had been romantic and afterwards they had made love, breaking all barriers that had ever been between him.

"... we had a lot of fun, and afterwards we went back to our hotel room, well... I'll spare you the details, but we had a wonderful night. From that moment on we started to date more regularly and well, called it a relationship. We didn't tell anybody at first, afraid that her boss would find out... and he did, after six months. We had a good conversation with him and he gave us a chance, we could still work together this way, as long as we remained professional. A year later... we married. We have three children together, and in a few weeks I get my first grandchild."

Grissom congratulated the man and stared out of the window again. It was obvious that the man waited for his story too and he decided it wouldn't hurt. He looked at the man again and saw he was waiting and he let out a deep sigh.

"I've met my wife more than ten years ago, at a seminar. I work with the crime lab, and well... for some reason we needed somebody to do internal investigation, so I called her. She came and I wanted to tell her what she meant to me, but I never did. We worked side by side for over five years, and I know now how much I've hurt her with that. I just couldn't do it at first, but finally I realized that, I didn't have that much time left so we started going out. But we had to keep it quiet, because I'm her boss..."

They both laughed about that for a while. The coincidence that they both married their coworkers. He swallowed and continued: "She's fifteen years younger than I am, but she doesn't care. We married three months ago..."

Their conversation was over as they both decided to do something else. The man put on his Discman and Grissom started reading one of his magazines. His mind not really there but still at the cemetery in California. He looked to his side and saw that Catherine had fallen asleep. He smiled and closed his magazine, trying to get some sleep too. He closed his eyes and thought of her, a small smile creeping his way up to his face. Sleep came fast and before they knew it the plane was ready to land.

* * *

When the plane landed they both got off and called a cab to bring them back home, Catherine first and then Grissom. This ride too was spent in silence and when the cab stopped at Catherine's house, Grissom helped her bring her bags inside. When they were standing in the doorway he awkwardly hugged her. She smiled at him. He had never done this before, and the move caught her somewhat by surprise. She just wished he'd do something like that more often, it made people like him more.

"Thanks for coming Cath."

She nodded and closed the door behind her. It had started raining and Grissom walked a little faster over to the cab. It wasn't a long ride to his house anymore. The rain was clattering against the windows and the sound of that calmed him down some more. The cabdriver was silent, but every now and then he looked in the rearview mirror to make sure Grissom was okay. When they arrived at his townhouse Grissom paid the cabdriver and got his bags from the trunk.

He slowly walked up the steps and placed his bags in front of the door. He rummaged through his pockets and found his key. He unlocked the door, opened it and picked up his bags again. He placed his bags in the hall and took of his coat. Grissom rubbed his face and opened the door to the living room. A big smile broke through because of what he saw.

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**TBC  
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_A/N 2: Things are not always what they seem lol. One more chapter to go. Please R&R._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Wow, this went fast for me. Just started writing it today and now it's already finished... wow... Thanks for the reviews I already got on my first chapter.  
__Special thanks to **Sammie** for the quick beta! Thank you! Well, on with the fic and please R&R._

_**Warning: Rating is changed... very physical chapter... don't say you weren't warned!**_

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Chapter 2 – Second chance**

The moment she saw him walking into the living room she stood up from the couch and rushed towards him. His smile had disappeared and he was now looking sad again. She wrapped her arms around him and caressed his back. She felt his arms around her waist, holding her tight, never letting go. He began to sob and she whispered words to soothe him, to make him feel safe in her arms. She pulled him even closer to her; she wanted to kiss him, to let him know that she would always be there for him. But in this position she wasn't able to reach his face, that's why she kissed the side of his neck. "It's okay... I'm here..."

When his sobs stopped he slowly pulled back and looked into her eyes. He had missed her so much and he regretted the fact that he had told her 'no' when she had wanted to come with him.

* * *

_((Begin flashback))_

_He was sitting behind his desk, staring into nothingness. The events from the day before still clear in his mind. She hadn't been home when he came back; she was still in New York for a forensics convention. She had talked about it for months, and he didn't want to call her to come back. The convention was going to take three weeks and she just left two weeks ago. _

_But now he decided he had to call her, he hadn't yesterday; she had a right to know what had happened. They had called in the morning, before one of her seminars. She had congratulated him with his birthday and told him she had bought a gift in New York. _

_He picked up the phone and dialed the number of her cell. He waited a few seconds before he heard her say her name. _

"_Sidle."_

"_Hey, it's me..." His voice had been full of tears and he had a lump in his throat. It was good to hear her voice again. But he had a lot of difficulty to speak and he was sure she could hear it._

"_What's wrong Gil?"_

"_First I want you to promise me that you stay in New York, you hear me? You deserve that convention..."_

"_What's—"_

"_Promise me, please." _

"I promise, now what's going on there?"

"_My mother... she died, yesterday. Heart attack."_

_He still remembered the silence from that moment, the silence after his last sentence. He could hear her sharp intake of breath, and he tried to stay calm. He needed her so much at that moment, but his mind told him this was something he needed to do alone. He wanted to be there alone, he didn't want her to see him this vulnerable, he still wasn't used to that, although they were married. _

"_I'm so sorry… I'm coming home right away, I'm buying the next plane ticket to Vegas… and—"_

"_Sara…" He had sounded tired, not in the mood to argue. He let out a deep sigh and at that moment he heard her sigh too on the other side. _

"_Please let me do this alone… I need to… I just need to do this on my own. You have to stay in New York, it's important."_

"_But Gil… I want to be there for you, and I want to say goodbye to your mother too."_

_He swallowed; he found it hard to keep her away from him, he had done it for too long. Now he just needed her, but he couldn't… he didn't want to be fragile; he wanted to be the strong one for her…_

"_Sara, I need to do this alone. Please…"_

_She sighed and he knew that she was giving in. If he was sure about this, she wasn't going to argue with him. _

"_Okay, but call me when you need me… I'll be here… Please take care of yourself baby."_

"_I'll be fine, I'll call you later."_

"_Gil?"_

"_Yeah…"_

"_I love you, you know that right?"_

_He nodded although he knew she couldn't see it. She had always been there for him, from the moment she had come to Vegas. He had never told her in that much words how much he appreciated that, not before their marriage. _

"_Love you back…"_

_They hung up the phone and he let out a deep sigh. He picked up the photo frame that was standing on his desk. It was taken on a convention for deaf people; he looked at all the familiar faces. He saw his mother standing on the front row, her arms around him. He looked at himself, as a six-year-old boy. His parents had been divorced back then so when his mother went there, he had to go with her. He wasn't deaf, but he knew sign language pretty well. _

"_You okay?"_

_He looked up and saw Catherine walking in. She was looking at him with concern in her eyes. She walked over to his desk and bowed forwards; trying to look at the photo frame he was holding in his hands. He turned it over so she couldn't look at it. _

"Can't you knock?"

_((End of flashback))

* * *

_

He lifted his hand to caress her cheek; he wanted to let her know how much he regretted it. She leaned into his touch and searched his eyes. He slowly lifted his other hand and cupped her face. He never lost contact with her eyes as he started to caress both of her cheeks; she looked at him with so much passion in her eyes. He wanted to kiss her so badly at this moment. He wanted to kiss her and never let her go again, she was his and that was how it was meant to be.

She lifted her own hands and grabbed him by his wrists, loosening herself from him. This wasn't the right moment for intimacy. They needed to talk; they needed to talk about everything, why had Catherine been there? Had he invited her?

"Baby… not now, we need to talk. Please?"

He slowly nodded and made his way over to the couch. He sat down and grabbed her hand, pulling her next to him. He entwined their fingers and looked deep into her eyes. He saw the pain and regret filled him up again, like it had many times before. It was time; he needed to tell her… explain things.

"Okay, I need to explain you something… I wanted to go alone, because I was afraid to be vulnerable. I've always been strong towards her and, I felt that if you would come with me, I couldn't be the same. I didn't want to face my family, fragile as I would have been with you."

He looked down. "When you're with me, I can show my emotions… then it's safe, but I don't want anybody else to see that. I'm sorry… you should have come with me; I needed you… although I didn't want to confess it to myself. I'm so sorry Sara…"

She squeezed his hand, forcing him to look back into her eyes. She saw the tears that were forming in his eyes and wiped his still dry eyes. She looked at him with love, to reassure him it was okay; everything was okay now.

"It's okay… I understand. I really do."

He tried to smile, just a weak smile. But he knew he had to explain why Catherine had been there, she had a right to know. He wanted to tell her that he hadn't called her, that he hadn't wanted her to be there. He wrapped his arms around Sara and pulled her close to his side. She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed.

"I didn't call her… She just showed up there. I wanted to be alone, she didn't understand… She said that I needed someone, asked me why you weren't there…"

"You told her about the convention right?"

"I did. But, how was it?"

She shrugged. "Without you there? Well, it was kind of boring. All the speakers were new, and well… let's just say that they still have a lot to learn. So I decided to go home, to be here for you, waiting for you to come home."

* * *

He smiled at her and stood up from the couch, holding her hands to pull her with him. She went after him in the direction of the bathroom. She started to chuckle, this wasn't the right moment, but she wanted him badly. He kicked of his shoes on the way to their bedroom; she wanted to do the same but realized she wasn't wearing her shoes.

In the doorway he stopped and caught her in a bear hug. He caressed her back, pulling her tank top up and running his hands over the bare skin. She shuddered under his touch and he chuckled into her shoulder. He felt the goosebumps on her skin and pulled her top over her head. He pulled away from her and looked into her eyes, he saw the passion and the lust.

There was no need to take things slow, they just needed the physical contact right now. After this there would be a lot of times more to take things slow. She caught him in a passionate kiss. Her tongue darting out, challenging his out. He opened his mouth hungrily and let her deepen the kiss, their kiss. Their tongues were dancing together, for minutes. They both stopped simultaneously to get some fresh air into their lungs.

She pulled him over to the bed and they fell on it together, she on top of him. He kissed the side of her neck and caressed her back. She giggled a little about the ticklish feeling but bent closer to him to capture his lips in a sensual kiss. She started to unbutton his shirt and locked eyes with him. She saw the passion and she saw the love. When she had unbuttoned it she tried to pull it off his shoulders, but he was laying on it so she couldn't take it off. He sat up with her on his lap and took off his shirt. She reached for his back and caressed the strong muscles there. Meanwhile she kissed his collarbones as he pulled her closer to him.

He had his hands on her back as he tried to unclasp her bra. He kissed her forehead as she looked at him. When her bra was loose he slid it off her shoulders and threw it off the bed, in the direction of her top and his shirt. He slid his hands to her breasts and caressed them slowly, starting at the underside. He felt her shiver under his touch and rolled them over. He moved down on the bed, caressing her long legs. He pulled of her socks, and then his own. He moved up again and kissed on her mouth, her nose and her forehead.

He was now lying on top of her and she was trying to unbuckle his belt, which was pretty difficult from this position. He pushed himself up on his forearms to give her better access. She smiled at him and unbuckled his belt. She slid the zipper down and pulled his pants off. It wasn't a fair game now so he reached for the zipper of her jeans, pulled it down and pulled it off. They both had one piece of clothing left and they knew it wouldn't take them a long time to get rid of that too.

He kissed her stomach, his beard scraping over the soft skin. He stopped at her belly button and dipped his tongue in it. She laughed at the sensation and grabbed his shoulders to pull him up. He licked her stomach, the undersides of her breaths and her nipples. She moaned softly and reached for the waistband of his boxers. She needed him right now; she wanted to feel him. He helped her slid his boxers to the floor and reached for her panties. She grabbed his hands and moved them away from her panties.

She stood up from the bed and watched him, lying there with hunger visible in his eyes. He followed every move she made and she caressed herself. She was teasing him a little, although she knew it wasn't needed anymore. They wanted each other now… She slowly started pulling down her panties… the lace forming a black heap at her feet. She stepped out of it and shoved it to the side.

She was now standing naked in front of him, full of love and passion. She slowly walked back to the bed and sat down on it. His hands were back on her body in an instant and she leaned back. He rolled them over till she was sitting on top of him, straddling his hips. She kissed every inch of his chest and grabbed his hands, entwining their fingers.

She didn't want to be on top right now, she want him to be the one in control of this lovemaking. She softly kissed him on his lips and tried to roll them over. When she tried to do so she saw his look of confusion. "I want you to be in control…" she whispered in his ear. He looked at her and kissed her nose. Slowly her rolled them over till he was on top of her. As he entered her, she softly moaned.

Their lovemaking was passionate and sensual, slow and long and afterwards they fell asleep in each other's arms. He had told her he loved her with every move, and she never had felt more secure in her life.

* * *

Sara was the first to wake up, looking at the sleeping form next to her. His mouth was curled into a small smile and one of his legs was between her own. The room smelled of his musk and of hers. She tried to move and little a noticed he was waking up.

"Hey, you slept okay?"

"Yeah… I just realized that, I never told her I loved her. I don't want to make the same mistake again…"

She smiled at him as she leaned her head close to him. She knew he loved her, no matter how many times he would tell her so.

**The end.

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_A/N: as much as I liked writing this, I'm still a little insecure about it. Tell me how you liked it please... R&R.  
Okay, this is finished, let's get other fics done too..._


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